Something dating a male with borderline personality disorder with
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Dating can be a complex and tricky endeavor. Relationships require work, compromise, communication, empathy, and understanding. While the beginnings of a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder might take you to the greatest euphoric heights imaginable, it can also take you to the lowest lows. Knowing what to look for can help you to better maintain a relationship with someone with BPD. Those phases are anecdotal in nature, but give a picture of what going through a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder might be like.
Angela is currently finishing up her doctoral degree program in General Psychology. In her free time, she enjoys spending time with her family, reading, and crafting crochet dolls for her small business.
Thanks for describing me in detail. Your article and others have forced me to consider a healing pathway. I just wish it had not taken 40 years to realize. I do think this article is sexist. Your email address will not be published. Individuals with BPD often exhibit characteristics such as: Explosive anger that can last for long periods of time Fits of depression and anxiety Inability to maintain social relationships Impulsive reactions, often including rage Sensitivity to rejection or abandonment Engagement in risky behaviors Drug or alcohol abuse Negative self-image Many times, men with BPD often exhibit symptoms of other disorders.
They are quick to start relationships and often appear to come on stronger than others, particularly when they find someone they are highly attracted to. Once established in a relationship, a man with BPD will often seek out opportunities to initiate an argument or fight. Often this is in response to their own beliefs that their partner is not interested in them anymore.
They have a need to justify their own reaction to these imagined perceptions and initiating arguments becomes the means to an end.
They seem to be unable to regulate their own behavior and actions, yet willing to establish limits and boundaries on others. They can seem overly clingy and needy in relationships, often to the point of pushing their partner away, thus fueling their own fear of abandonment. They have an uncanny ability to switch between love and hate in any relationship. They can seem to move between these emotions without warning or reflection on how their actions may affect others. They seem to be thrilled by engaging in risky behaviors and often will do so in the presence of others for the sheer joy of creating a shock factor.
This can include behaviors such as reckless driving, excessive drinking and partying, or even engaging in a bar brawl. The reaction from others makes them feel alive with admiration. Their employment history is littered with short-lived jobs that often end without notice.
They may quit or be fired because of their explosive episodes to minute issues such as a co-worker stealing a parking place or not refilling the coffee pot in the break room. They will often project their own dangerous behaviors onto others, calling them out for their wrongdoings while simultaneously failing to recognize their own actions are the same.
In relationships, men with BPD can often exhibit extreme jealousy over their partners. Their girlfriends or wives may find it difficult to have any outside social relationships for fear of being accused of infidelity or finding themselves in dramatic arguments. Men with BPD lack emotional intelligence. They are unable to regulate or express their own emotions and can often misread the emotional feel of others.
He is very controlling and the crazy thing is, in the past 3 or 4 months, I have tried my best to be more in control and he always shuts me down.
I have been working most of my adult life to be more assertive. I know his life story, names of old girlfriends. He told me everything early on and it never clicked with me until 2 weeks ago. I have met his parents and they seem lovely, but from what I have read is that the BPD males had issues with their moms.
Chaos and drama is everywhere with him. Another thing he has done to me is withhold sex and it breaks my heart to type this out. Do you have any thoughts on this? There has been some physical intimacy between us but not a lot.
Then proceeded to text me the whole weekend with I love you and I miss you. He has continued with the I love yous when times are good with us, but now after learning about the disorder, I wonder if he really means it? On top of that a successful, handsome, and artistic hair stylist and is around women all day. He loves to tell me stories how women want him and he really tries to make me jealous. It makes me more sad or confused than jealous.
I am successful, good looking, have a great body too, but I would never try to make him jealous.
I guess I would like more coaching and more advanced advice about males with BPD. For example, finding my edge haha I dress edgy, I am a yogi. But I guess you mean more of an edgy attitude? He exhausts me mentally and emotionally. I have really enjoyed focusing on myself, although go through waves of missing my best friend. I am interested in hearing what you have to say. So I know not to listen to words. So give this a try.
Or would that comment be a subjective desire? BPD males do want to be controlled. I met my boyfriend a little over two years ago. He is tall, dark and handsome. We have the exact same interests and sense of humour. I had never felt so loved and desired. He was very open about his history, adopted at birth, being tall meant he was bullied, drug abuse, racing around in fast cars, illegally riding a motorcycle, he got married because his now ex wife wanted to, they had a kid just because. When they divorced he ran away to Canada for three months on a whim and got a Canadian woman pregnant on a one night stand.
She, apparently, gave up everything to move to the UK to be with him. He also claims that she abused his son from his marriage. He has lost his temper and thrown me across a room.
He has punched walls and he often steals the duvet so I cannot sleep until he has finished the argument. He never has any money, he is over weight and disorganised. He has few friends and his work colleagues seem to be great at work but he is never invited out socially. Is this BPD or bipolar or some other personality disorder?
Thank you. So you started out the relationship keeping your son a secret from him? A relationship built on a foundation of dishonesty will never last. Excuse me Rick! Please read my message again. I kept my boyfriend a secret FROM my son. I love that about him. I think you should have another look at the text and perhaps try and help rather than be so quick to jump on the attack. You have some really great insight on BPD in general. I like listening to your recordings and books because your perspective is the simplest to follow for all people.
I have a question, a man with BPD is not as common as in women, so what if the men are actually sociopaths. I know the actual word sociopath is so scary but they seem to mirror some BPD traits.
The guy I knew would be distant, not conform to social norm, and really used me. I am using this time to grow and will be signing up for more of your products they are light hearted and give me valuable information.
Thanks Again! So like in your case, your guy has these sociopath issues. He came on very strong, completely idealized me. That lasted for about 6 weeks. Then his true colors came out. Everything I said he turned into criticism against him. He had no self esteem whatsoever. He smelled rejection, and went into a depression. Should I try to be there for him as a friend and reach out to him once some more time has passed? Why would you want to be with someone that has no self esteem?
This just means that you have no self esteem. So you should stop seeing him and work on yourself. Join my relationship roadmap program because I got good stuff in there to help you build up your self esteem. You need it. Dear Rick, Thank you for your insightful blog. I was searching for a man with bipolar disorder and aggression and this is how I came across your blog. I am a bit confused about the bipolar disorder and borderline disorder symptoms in the man I have started dating for only 3 months.
The beginning was very slow - two months even no hand touching and suddenly in the last month or so it has been a tornado. His bipolar disorder was diagnosed 15 years ago and he is on medication and seeing two psychoanalyst every other week but his behaviour in the past month has been beyond my imagination; I was on a research trip a week after we became intimate and he proposed his marriage plan via email!
He made some insulting jokes about me being attracted to other men and in general some weird comments about me I walk like a man and he likes women who flow - I may do in fact but what can I do? I told him that enough is enough and he has no right to walk over me and I broke up with him but he out of the blue turned up at the door and begged for a chat. He had called friends and asked about my past like a detective and manipulated their words and told me that I am mad not seeing love in him and something is wrong with me!
Did he get me back after this? This is very baffling I would be grateful for any light you could shed on this at least for my own peace of mind. I had categorized him as having emotional issues and a drinking problem, but now that I see the elements of BPD, they seem to all describe his issues.
My guy was definitely not commitment phobic nor did he hurt himself. He told me on our first date we would be together in a year, and a few weeks in said beloved me and wanted to marry me.
Trapped in a Relationship with Someone Suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder?
Writing that feels ludicrous but he was that good at spinning things around. Repeating this process left me walking on eggshells constantly. He would always be deeply apologetic, sensible and agree to therapy.
Dating a male with borderline personality disorder
He was a fantastic salesman and very charming. At one point he stopped drinking for several months and even saw a therapist. He made me promises he was fine and began drinking again. I maintain concern for him though and wonder if I would be out of line to tell his mother I think he has BPD. He also has no close friends nearby. You should never be in a relationship where you feel like you have to walk on egg shells.
I like helping people with BPD relationships because they always feel like they have to walk on egg shells. I have been in a relationship for almost a year with a man who was diagnosed with BPD right before we got together.
Why BPD relationships are so complicated. If you care about someone with borderline personality disorder, keep these four facts in mind: To Help Your . Anyway, BPD is a Cluster B personality disorder that is rather common these days from my experience. According to a quick Google search, Borderline Personality Disorder is "characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or ucountryconnectionsqatar.comedictable thinking or behavior." I have dated dozens and dozens of women over the years. Dating can be a complex and tricky endeavor. Relationships require work, compromise, communication, empathy, and understanding. Things become even more complicated if you are dating someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
From the very first date he was up front with me about it. Things were amazing in the beginning, he gets along well with my daughter and is living with us. I have been trying to do my research to try and understand as much as I can. The hardest thing for me is I am a very emotional person and he is not. I feel like I am the only one putting effort into this relationship. He never wants to go any where or do anything. He goes to work and comes home. He does not have a good relationship with family and not many close friends.
Lately, it has been a little rough. He has been so back and forth. One day I am the best person in his life and the next day, I am the worst person to ever walk the planet! I never know who he is going to be! When he gets like this, the slightest thing will set him off, a simple joke, turns into WW3! He throws my insecurities in my face, last night he told me I was stupid and desperate for staying with someone like him. I just need advice.
This whole situation, dealing with BPD is new to me. If I should continue to deal with it. His behavior is just a reflection of himself. So you gotta have thick skin and not take it personally. So you just need to stop letting him push you around. Stand up to him. Treat him like a 5 year child in timeout.
Healthy Dating with Borderline Personality Disorder
So he actually just ended things and is moving out. But then, again, when his BPD side shows its ugly side, its bad. Yeah you just got to let him be for now. He just needs time to himself.
So just let him go. I had stayed in touch as friends etc. I got married and moved abroad, which failed after 6 months. I came back, figured myself out a bit, slowly my friends started finding out and when I reconnected with tom the guy we just fell into a general conversation and I roughly told him I was getting a divorce etc.
I had no interest in him in that way since I never saw him in that sense. I thought he felt sorry for me, he is generally known as a thoughtful nice guy. I laughed it off to start with. I did try to push him away and I had cold moments. I keep telling him im not a technology driven person, Im more of a person to person kinda social woman, in person we have a better connection.
I also have a hard time showing I care but recently him jumping back into a project, hes been very busy. I text him the following morning saying I was not going to see him. I gave him some details of my marriage and explained that have a relation over a phone was not me and that I expect good treatment from someone I let in. I said that being friends was more important and that I had genuine care for him.
I have no idea whats going on with him, he seems to care about everyone around him. I like relaxing in his company and not load off my problems on him. I have friends to share that with. This guy is just pulling some 50 shades of grey on you lol. So honestly, my advice is to just educate yourself more about relationships and dating and men.
And not so much from the mainstream internet. You gotta find the real sources. This guy wants nothing to do with you. Obviously, that pisses me off because hell has a special place for people that take advantage of inexperienced, emotional;y weak men and women. This is why you need to get more experience because any man or woman with experience can see right through this guy. Recently my BPD boyfriend broke up with me. He also told me a couple of time he was really tired of his lifestyle and he knew he could settle down with me because for the first time he met someone with good attentions in his life.
I know that I can support him through his rough times and not try to carry him like I did at first. Is there anything I can do to get him back? If so how can I do that? Just reach out to him is what I would suggest. Give it a couple of weeks like you said. He could reach out to you as well.
Just wait a little bit. A plan I had for a long time but since we were together I decided to wait. Should I avoid talking to him this weekend and send him a message from Europe after a couple weeks? Also when he broke up with me he told me that I was boring. Never partying or anything. I was a really outgoing girl before we were together and when we started dating I stopped being this fun outgoing girl Some friends of his started talking to me and we have a great time together.
After all they are not as bad as I though they were! Forgot to mention I tried to talk to him Tuesday a week after our breakup telling him that I wanted to hang out something really casual no stress and send him a friend request on Facebook.
I told him that I was going fine and he told me to keep going in this direction and not to think to much about him with two kisses. Then Wednesday, the following day he saw a 2 weeks old snapchat and he deleted me on snapchat and delete my friend request who was still pending to be accepted. Yeah well this guy wants you to move on. Life is much more than just snapchats and bars and partying. Europe is going to be great for all this, you will see. This guy wants you to develop more taste and depth.
He wants you to enrich your mind just as I always say. Do it for you.
Get the thought out of your head of doing things to get him back. Lol just avoid him. If he thinks fun, out-going girls are girls that party and go to bars a lot, then he has no clue at all because these types of girls are just your typical, average, common broads. So I say go ahead and let him go after these basic bitches. Let him have his fun. You need more self-respect. Have some standards. That gets old after college. I really think this Europe trip is awesome for you and will really open up your eyes.
Hi rick, can you tell me if a man with bpd feels any remorse or empathy after hurting his partner. My partner would upset me all time and he was aware he was doing it. But only admit it after I had walked away. He would tell me there was nothing I could say or do to change his mind. I cought him out recently disrespecting me and being deceitful. He had lied to me in order to manipulate me in to taking him back. After I discovered his lying I did what any person would do. I got angry and emotional.
He can not confront the issue. This is why you need to just focus on yourself and not take him seriously. That is just silly. But only he can do that. See if he tries to lock you down. My boyfriend and I met in October. Hot and heavy. In a cloud of excitement and love and passion, we decided to move in together.
Things were great for a couple weeks and then took a dark turn. He started lashing out at me. Accusing me of cheating because my ex husband sent me a Merry Christmas text.
Accused me of being a liar and a deceitful person who desired anyone but him. None of this could be further from the truth in reality. In his mind, however, it was stone cold fact.
I would get upset, naturally, and kick the yelling and fighting into high gear. The eventual comedown would occur and lovey-doveyness would ensue.
He soon confided in me that he has been diagnosed with severe depression and BPD. As the months have progressed, the roller coaster has escalated. Our actions towards each other have crossed the line of physical and verbal abuse towards each other.
Threats to leave on both sides. Damage to our home. The overwhelming number of text messages and phone calls from him. The threats to harm himself. The constant barrage of accusations. And of course the crying meltdowns from him when I decide to walk away from the argument to avoid either of us getting physical. In February, we found out that we were expecting a baby. By the beginning of March, I had a miscarriage.
That raised a lot of hurt feelings and painful scars on both of us. I have lost so much of myself in putting all I have into this relationship. When I met him, my self confidence was through the roof. Nobody loved Anna more than Anna. Since then, I doubt everything about myself. I do love him. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever about that. I have thought very long and very hard on that and the answer is always a resounding yes.
I just feel lost on what to do.
When do I stop handing over my self respect and dignity to be loved by someone who is so damaged themselves? This article has provided such a light bulb moment for me. So you just got to take my advice as general and see how you can use some of it for your situation and which advice to ignore. But generally, the key is to just use what clicks with you.
Jun 28, An Interesting Mix: Male Borderline Personality Disorder Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC Christine is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor by the State of Florida with over fifteen years of experience. Psychologist Debra Mandel wrote a foreword for the book Hard to Love: Understanding and Overcoming Male Borderline Personality Disorder by Joseph Nowinski and highlighted a very important point which is: "For years, psychology has been heavily saturated with attention on women and their relationships, as if the male gender didn't matter. Oct 30, Dating with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may be difficult because BPD is marked by intense and stormy interpersonal relationships. It's a part of the diagnostic criteria of BPD. In my own personal life, romantic relationships were often marked by drama and more drama. I brought drama and I attracted drama.
After 30 seconds, it became very clear to me you have no mental health education. Please stop pretending you are qualified to help people.
Now go take your superior self somewhere else :. It was clear to me, within 30 seconds, as well that you are not a professional within the general realm of psychology.
My life has been nothing but therapy and hospitalizations for PTSD-emotionally induced anxiety and suicidal depressions. Although I struggle to apply theory and academically based information to heal my emotional wounds, this fact does not change my layman mastery of said theory. You give reason to love people and not dismiss them cuz they are too defective.
How wld any of you feel if everything written about you was for all your loved ones to give up on you? You are giving me a HUGE gift by presenting information on BPD in a way that not only helps me understand my new BF, provides suggestions on what best helps me which are the lessons I need to be mastering for my own mental health issuesso cool and what a relief but also suggest that BPD are worth loving and fighting for.
I hate hearing how. BPDs are just hopeless and just write them off. Fuck that! Everyone is worth fighting for and loving as long as one has the knowledge and internal resources to do so. I hope my BF will come around and seek help. If not, it will likely come to an end, but not before trying out your suggestions like taking care of myself, just being his biggest fan, etc.
NOTE: I do recall seeing a few passages or sentence that seemed semi-incorrect or possibly projecting so I think people shld research this issue from more than this site, but this site is providing information and inspiration that no other site I have found is doing.
Thank you! All of my older ones such as this one need ating because I am always evolving and growing. Thanks for the kind words :. A breath of fresh air. It gives some sort of comfort to know im not alone in this nightmare. My situations maybe a little different. I have become somewhat dependent on my BDP bf. He has put me on his cell phone plan and given me his car. Everything is rosey until I unintentionally skip a song on the radio that he likes. WW3 - he takes the car back, drops me off like a child being dropped to school, but not before he tells me he is tired of always fighting, and he not a fighter.
After Ive been put out. I drink wine, pass out for two hrs and wake up to an text invitation to stop by something he knows i would enjoy or need to do the next morning This is a repeated cycle. I have secretly been taking the bus too and from work when he has his rages and could give a f about me and my well being. I do love him, and i as well have recognized bpd in myself as well, but i would state mine more as the Appeasing characteristics.
I am a child of divorce, domestic violence and tremendous anxiety. My downfall is i want to fix everything and everyone have a peaceful happy life. I am frail and I get physically sick from toxic stress. What should indo when im spending the weekend over his place and he wants to ignore me for 3days because i called him out with facts when he tries to switch something on me? When he makes me bring him his car? I want peace, but at this time because I am temporarily dependent on him, as well as stupidly inlove I niavelly want peace with with him.
I mean this is all on you. You hold your tongue, you continue to let him bash you and emotionally abuse you. Your relationship is built on secrets and dishonesty.
What do you really expect? There is zero love involved here, just a mess of insecurities. You really need to work on discovering your own strength. Your story is so similar to mine. You sound like you want to fix everything and avoid conflict just like me - a codependent personality. Most borderlines seem to thrive on conflict.
The trouble with being codependent is we get so preoccupied with fixing things we get blind to our own issues. For example I never used to have a hair-trigger temper, but after being with my ex I now have her hair-trigger temper. Being involved with a borderline was both the greatest and worst experience of my life. The highs were better than any drug. The abuse was horrific. Without meaning to she taught me a lot about human nature and psychology.
Thanks for your message. I would like to add that a lot of the Codependent recovery tactics out there come straight out of the AA recovery guide. Rick, your insight is amazing. But do you have any suggestions on how we can bring them to that point, so they can sort their lives out? My ex PD has done everything by textbook like everyone here has commented, and is facing serious allegations with the police.
I do love him, and want to help. It saddens me that they are the way they are. Should be completed next week, you can check it out I have links around my site to it. Yes, it does. If you let your emotions get out of control and it creates for conflict, you really only have yourself to blame for that.
Men with BPD are not easy to date. He started therapy last fall, quit that therapist and has now moved onto another one which he is delaying making another appointment with. You cant help a person with bpd, that shit is so deep you better get your waders on and get out as fast as you can.
Trust your gut-if it doesnt feel right, it probably isnt. He belongs in a mental hospital. As you said, trust your gut. Treat each person uniquely. If it feels wrong, get out. If it feels doable, then work on it.
Plus to add, BPD is controversial in that it affects women much more than men. Evil men most of the time. But they can still be broken down and healed, it just requires their own selves to overcome their ego which is a lot to ask. Are you a clinician or a psychologist? You are writting articles about mental disorders and than counseling to others in what they should do.
First off not all ppl with this disorder should be taking off the streets or considered evil. I think before you begin speculating. Not all ppl will react like this! Dialectical behavior therapy DBT is a specific type of cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy developed in the late s by psychologist Marsha M. Linehan to help better treat borderline personality disorder.
Since its development, it has also been used for the treatment of other kinds of mental health disorders. I think my brother has BDP. I can give a whole novel on everything but basically he treats me like shit but makes me feel guilty for cutting him off for a while. He quits jobs left and right then wants to commit suicide since supposedly no one supports him.
He will bring up things in the past that are irrelevant to what the argument is about then he will bring her to the point of crying. She wants to move to a different state but if that ever happens I know for a fact that he will try to make her feel guilty and try to move with her. He has every freakin symptom of BPD. Unfortunately my mom will always have to deal with his bull shit because she will do anything for him.
You know that he blames everybody else already, so the real question is WHY does he blame everybody else? This is how I would break it down and figure out the real issue. Firstly I am glad a stumbbled across your website as a lot of what I was reading was encouraging self pity. I have spent two solid days reading and now realise that I was at fault for being a codependant in my relationship.
The relationship is now over so I have found this too late, nevertheless I am now looking to recover and be a stronger person.
My relationship with a colleague lasted 2 years and started with us seeing each other when both in relationships of our own, which later ended.
He would tell me how he wasnt good at relationships, felt he smothered girls too much, kept ending his relationship as he felt his gf didnt love his as much and they would break up and get back together contstantly.
His girlfriend also worked with us his 2 exes were also colleagues. He confided in me and told me I was the most amazing girl he had ever met. He was witty, charming, very popular with colleagues and we had a lot of common ground. I fell and i was lonely in my relationship. The inevitable happened and we kissed, he told me he loved me days after only to play it down days later. He began his pushing and pulling with the first couple of months and always excused his behaviour with trying to do the right thing.
Totally understandable, so I agreed. He came back saying he wanted to be friends, so I agreed, except the friends thing didnt last very long and before we knew it we were in a full blown relationship. I always excused his pushing and pulling for when he was with his girlfriend but when they broke up it continued and i didnt understand. Sometimes have sex before work and when in the office would ignore me or start flirting with other girls in front of me.
I obviously got jealous and would question why he would do this to me. His response that he didnt think someone like me would be interested in him and was too good to be true. There were occasions where he would binge drink for days and take cocaine, I pulled him about it one day and asked why he did this, as when he did this the abuse towards me increased. His response was that he had issues, told me no one had ever noticed before and that he was so grateful he could open up to me.
He said he was jealous that I had travelled, educated myself, so I took pity on him.
Thank you for your insightful blog. I was searching for a man with bipolar disorder and aggression and this is how I came across your blog. I am a bit confused about the bipolar disorder and borderline disorder symptoms in the man I have started dating for only 3 months. Men with BPD Michael suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder or countryconnectionsqatar.com the vast majority of men with this disorder, however, he has not been diagnosed. Instead, the . Apr 19, For most, it may hold little that feels inspirational. But if you're dating someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, it is probably at once familiar and remarkable; the deep stigma attached to BPD-and specifically having relationships with someone who has BPD-makes stories of intact relationships all too countryconnectionsqatar.com: Elisabet Kvarnstrom.
I gave him a number to try CBT, he told me he was going, I beleived him. I felt crazy and stupid and never been like this before, because I was late meeting him, he decided to take a girl back knowing I would eventually turn up. It tore me apart but I went back. She believes in the power of the digital world to create positive change when mixed with the right intentions.
She dreams of one day writing her memoir and traveling the country to speak about her experience living with and recovering from borderline personality disorder. Hello, I have major depressive disorder and anxiety.
And after getting psych testing done, I was given a diagnosis of having many traits to different personality disorders, but not one specific disorder in particular. I retired from the military in and also got a divorce in the same year.
I have had no desire to want to be in a relationship with anyone since. I am currently long distance dating someone now but I honestly don't have any feelings towards them.
I went through a phase of loneliness where I begged him to move in with me, and when he bought his one way ticket, I panicked and changed my mind.
Now I've decided that I would be more comfortable if he lived in the same city and had his own place, so that I would not have to give up the peace and calm I am trying to establish being alone for the 1st time in 10 years.
I've spent all of my 20s dating, marrying, and divorcing my spouse that now I'm 31 and I don't feel like being in a relationship at all anymore. The compromising a relationship requires and the understanding of the others feelings is not something I want to have to go through right now, or even ever at this moment.
I think I may be single into my 40s, but it doesn't seem to bother me.
How to Know if Your Partner Has BPD
Any suggestions? I am 32 years old and was diagnosed with BPD a few months ago. I have had it since childhood, but up until 2 years ago did not seek therapy on a regular basis. I am afraid I will never find love.
That a recovery is impossible or will take a long time. I am trying to stay away from Facebook, sex and a relationship to get well. However, I feel alone. I don't have very many friends. I don't drink or do drugs. I used to drink a lot when I was younger. I feel defective. Hi I feel your pain.
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