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Last year, Tara, 27, an account manager from Chicago, thought she had found a near-perfect match on the dating app Hinge. But since the world of online dating can feel somewhat like a dumpster fire, she made an exception for a romantic start that seemed so promising. For the next two months, they had a somewhat standard Internet-dating courtship of weekly dates: dinners, drinks, Netflix, the usual. Her new boyfriend was adamant about meeting them. At the time, she doubted this was true; all of it felt too sudden. As she relaunched her dating search, Tara began to wonder-like many single people do- just what exactly was going on. According to the laws of attachment theory, Tara and her ex may have had clashing attachment styles.
So what does that mean? Phillip, 35, from Dallas, feels that reality.
Still, he keeps falling for unavailable men. Recounting his most recent flame, Phillip says it fizzled after he put himself out there and the guy he was seeing remained aloof-wholly focused on discovering what he wanted in his career, and ultimately distancing himself. Play hard to get.
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Make the other person chase you to convey interest. All of these behaviors draw up walls, which runs counter to attachment theory.
Cohen, a psychology professor in New York. They can give the anxious person the reassurance they need; they can also give an avoidant person the proper amount of space.
Superficially speaking, they often seem to have the very thing the other wants. This is attractive for both insecure types while dating, and the person is new and exciting. When the time comes for true intimacy and vulnerability though?
Cue the tango.
Dating Expert Reacts to DYLAN SPROUSE & BARBARA PALVIN on a DATE
Nisha, 34, a marketing manager from Philadelphia, has fallen for the passion of avoidant partners; she is also a classic anxious attacher, shy as a child, clinging to her mother growing up. She recently dated a guy and allowed herself to have a little more hope than usual. They matched on an app, had a mutual friend who bestowed a solid review, and even kept in touch while she visited Morocco for more than a week.
After six weeks of frequent, daily contact, he disappeared for a full weekend without a word. Days later, he returned to apologize.
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Nisha was upset; at this point, her desire for closeness was in full swing, and she just wanted to see him, so they planned to talk at her place. Forty minutes after he was supposed to show up, he called. Around 10 days later, her phone buzzed with a text.
Sometimes these relationships can be tough to break off too. When an anxious person makes an emotional connection with a romantic partner, their attachment system is activated during periods of abnormal separation-and they desperately want to reestablish contact to soothe their nerves.
Levine says insecure attachers, often accustomed to the highs and lows of anxious-avoidant dating, come to expect unhealthy emotional sparks in their early relationships-and worry when they meet a secure who is consistently able to meet their needs. The lack of crazy emotion is good. Happy endings are possible.
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Oct 10, Last year, Tara, 27, an account manager from Chicago, thought she had found a near-perfect match on the dating app Hinge. "The [first] date was a marathon," Tara says.
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