Opinion, dating someone who isnt over their ex simply
Posted in Who dating
When you're dating as an adult, it's pretty much a given that whoever you're with will enter the relationship with some kind of relationship history. Although the healthy thing to do is to let the past stay in the past, that's easier said than done. Sometimes people will enter into new relationships without being completely over an ex. So, how do you know if your partner still isn't over their ex? When someone jumps into a new relationship before they're truly ready , it only sets themselves up for more heartache. So, how can you tell if your partner still isn't over their ex?
Having said that, maybe you should think about genuinely just having him as a friend, and let go of any fantasies about a relationship.
Are you really okay with only having a friendship, or are you hoping that this man will heal and then want a relationship with you? But, even if he does wake upand wants to proceed with you and you alone as a date, then you have to make the judgment call: is he ready to date?
Am I ready if he decides he is not later on? My guy is really depressed, which surely also has to do with his ex passing away, but not only. I can so understand the fear of opening up again after something so traumatic. Good for you, that you opted out!
Dating someone who isnt over their ex
I feel that one can wait for a good man. But not forever! Please be careful! Cookie, Ivy I think there is a danger of seeing this wrong. We think that because he is hurting for a good reason a death that we should wait for him to get better. They fly off to someone else leaving you wondering where your reward is. I totally agree Grace. The next relationship this guy will have will be a transitionary one, the one he uses to get over the hurt before the next serious one.
Not intentionally i hasten to add. Just in time, as always, NML! Having had my heart broken recently by a man who decided to go back to his ex of 2 years prior, I am proud to say that I made the healthy, reality-based decision to not remain friends, despite him requesting this, even knowing that it really would only be a friendship.
When said man found this hard to accept we really did get along rather wellI simply asked him how he planned to explain our friendship to his ex, once they reconciled. He saw my point. I know this had nothing at all to do with me, and everything to do with his unresolved issues with his previous relationship. Your wisdom over the years has helped me get here. Thank you. Now, that may be true or he did not like what I looked like. Oh well. That was over years-ago. This was my situation exactly a year ago, when I discovered my then partner was not over his ex and was secretly messaging and calling her and others while he was away on a 3-month working holiday in South America.
Trouble is, he also made it look like it was about me not being good enough. He was also being passive-aggressive around stuff we were supposed to be doing together, and making subtly admiring comments about his ex that undermined me and the way I do things. Even after we broke up, I continued to do all the Coulda Woulda Shoulda analysis for a while, trying to pinpoint what it was I did to make him fall out of love with me and back in love with her.
It took a while to see it all with a clear and logical insight. Your ex was a crazy-maker, and clearly villainising you so that he found it easier to live with what he was doing. Funny you should say that, Elle! Last night I just had quite an enjoyable third date with an attractive, kind guy I met before Xmas. Spielberg movie, flamenco, first smooching and some snuggles.
We have plans to meet up again this week. And then this morning, on my own, I bawled pretty unexpectedly - a good gut cry, had a little moment of the terrors that usually accompany me starting any sexual activity with someone new, and found myself about to relaunch to the other side of the coin of my indifference, i. I feel solid enough about myself, but in absolutely no rush to indicate to this person that I want something long-term.
Is there a time horizon for that? And only three dates so far, but yes, the first promising dates in 16 months. I understand what you mean. I have been dating someone for a little over two months.
My fear? In turn, he is less than a year out of a VERY messy divorce and now has custody of three little kids. Afraid I jumped in too soon without chilling for a while from the last relationship though truth be told, I was pretty damned sick of him at the end.
Afraid because I wonder if I am his rebound girl. He thought not only was it OK, but he said admired me more as a person for having done so. There has been no talk of meeting friends, parents, children, but there has been discussion that these things MAY happen later, no timetables have been set. For the first time, I am not experiencing all that much relationship anxiety. In the meantime, I feel like a massive amount of time and space for both of us to sort out how to do this sanely is the best way to go.
We get together, dip out feet into the water together, go about our business for the rest of the week, have time to think about what is the best course of action. Magnolia, I can relate to what you said about being over an EX but not over the bullshit you went through while with the ex.
The cutting down and the slip into oblivion is hard to forget. Losing yourself once or twice can change you. Some of the change is good, like self awareness, but some changes are like scar tissue, under the surface.
We learn our sore spots and our new strengths, then how to be who we are again. Learning to be with someone new is an unfamiliar road with our new selves. Going for a test drive is okay. Hey Magnolia, Good to hear from you. Maybe you are enjoying yourself? Maybe just slow down? You are in charge of your life. Could you copy this post from me to you? Breathe Magnolia breathe.
Maybe just enjoy? I agree. Slow down, Mags. Get to know him well. Wait til you feel like good pals before having sex. Go your pace.
Build reciprocal bonds before you add all the emotional stuff that comes in with sex. Presuming this guy is a decent, honourable fellow and you have to judge that over time, through actionsthen he is certainly not the guys of your past who have abused and assaulted you. I am aware that I am treading in territory for which I am not trained, but I do think, from my own experiences, that you have to be careful with bringing in a bucketload of meaning to new relationships. You have a chance to start afresh.
You can handle this. You are stronger than you think, and you can always get out if you really need to. Try to enjoy it. Let it roll out for a bit and then see how you feel. This is the early phase. Thanks ladies. He told me I was pretty and I had the passing urge to burst into the story of how ugly they said I was etc etc but the urge passed.
I said thank-you. So far a few laughs and kind conversation have been nice. One leaves you wanting all the time, the other leaves you feeling hollow. It can be hard to connect the dots. You tell women who resonate with your words what they need to hear and exactly in my opinion how they need to hear it. Often there is confusion and down right fantasy going on when we are in the flurry of a strong heart beat. I find you refreshing and very aware. I hope you will expand on the topics you blog and give women tips on how to navigate the terrain.
Thanks for being you and the voice of reason when chaos can reign in relationships. You rock! Natalie, The last three posts are great companion pieces. That being said, I can also see the flip side.
It cuts both ways when you so clearly point out that there are 2 separate maybe 3 or even 4 coming to the table.
Do I have this right?
Is it that simple? Thanks for this post Natalie. I am actually just grappling with this issue now and talked about it in your previous post. A quick recap. Met a guy at a wedding about a month ago.
Over the course of the month we went out on three dates. He was always lovely and I felt we really hit it off. We chatted to the wee hours of the morning on our dates. He even took me for a picnic in the park. However, between dates I barely heard from him. He kissed me briefly on the lips on the first date. But nothing afterwards. On our final date a week ago, we were watching a DVD, he put his arm around me.
DVD finished. I went to kiss him. He pulled back. He apologised and told me that he was not over his ex-fiance, who he had broken up with for the second time about two months ago. It actually really cut me up because we got on so well and I was really attracted to him. Because he acts like he is SO happy. But maybe I am being too unfair on him? However, I guess, if he really liked me, he would try and keep in contact with me or at least reconnect with me once he was emotionally available, otherwise it was not meant to be.
Take his word for it and dont put yourself in the friend category with him. I went out with a guy on 5 dates who never made a move, so I stated my concern over this and then I stopped communicating with him. It would be absolutely the wrong thing to do to hunt someone down for doing the right thing. Even if they did that right thing a little too late. LA - at least you got one.
Let it be. Sure, you can probably wrestle a few more dates out of him, some sex, and some kind of halfhearted relationship.
But why would you want to? It should be freely given. You need to respect your own feelings about this guy. Normal, great if it had happened but. He may see you as a friend, a transitional person, helping him back into the world of dating. Either way, you want to be with someone who wants to kiss you right on back.
I think you are making the right call. I had a really similar experience - went on a couple of fairy tale dates, but the guy pulled away from the goodnight kisses. That really stung. Over thought that to death - why would someone DO that? More than once? What was wrong with me? I had all the information I needed. People just do weird things. Oh please that kiss meant nothing why do women take a lousy kiss so seriously? Why do we eat cakes? Cause they taste good.
Stop overthinking a kiss. FlowerWhite To me kissing is serious. But to others it really is not. Same with sex. Which in my opinion takes more than a date or maybe even three. Not in this life. And if he does, anything more than giving LA a polite, innocent kiss is going to require some heavy explanation to the fiance.
Even if he and the fiance are technically and freshly broken up, he still has emotional ties and he knows that sleeping with LA will be considered cheating.
Maybe a bit irresponsible of him to be out on dates only two months after ending things with a fiancee. My resistance has nothing to do with how cute or kissable the guy is. Anyway, I can relate to the end-of-date kiss hesitation. Even if I have already kissed. Magnolia, I just wanted to tell you that I am going out on my first date tonite.
I met the guy unexpectedly last Friday, he is super good looking. As usual I kind of pulled away because I was intimidated by his looks. I started responding to his attention, he was not overly aggressive but seemed respectable. He asked if I had a boyfriend and if I was interested in going on a date so I gave him my number. He called the next day and set up a date, andgetthishe has not text me once.
Only phoned appropriately to have an hour long conversation and that was it. Because of BR I have my head on the straightest it has ever been.
When you have worked far enough down the path healing yourself, this type of situation will have less of an impact on you. As the others said, three dates is and should be nothing more to you than a minor disappointment. I had a similar situation last year with a man I really liked. I knew he liked me, was attracted to me, but was not getting physical with me.
Then the lightbulb went off. As I was in the same situation with the MM, we were like two grieving people looking for comfort. We reconnected about 6 months later just to say hi. No romantic expectations on either side. Long story short, we meet once in a while, have a glass of wine, he is still in and out with that relationship, I like him as a friend, end of story. I moved on, have a great boyfriend, so even if he was interested, right now MY timing would not be right.
He is still going through that relationship from hell, I actually do have empathy for him. Two years ago, all I would have felt was the rejection. It is not all about me, thanks for that gem Natalie!! Oldenough Thanks for sharing. I think the key is boundaries. And being able to accept things in a no-drama, matter of fact way.
Or if he does meet someone else completely. I feel as if I could deal with those scenarios, quite happily. Hell, it could take years for him to move on, do you really want to wait around for someone to heal from a break up? It will only lead to pain. Cut your losses and focus on filling up your life with other, more straightforward stuff.
Guilty as charged!
I said OK, and agreed to go, but having doubts. His behaviour is still a little odd. I guess, if I go out with him, it will need to be with the clear expectation that it is purely on a friendship level - nothing else.
But then if we are just friends, do I tell him about my dates, or not? Let him find somebody else to play the role of crash test dummy in his practice exercises. While you go out on those other dates with guys who might actually turn out to be fully functioning adult males.
Sorry to say it but you have been friend-zoned. He is letting you know that you are not a priority. If you have feelings, you should let this guy go. It can be pretty devaluing when feelings are one-sided. If I met up with my other male friends, I would tell them about the dates. What I have realised through extensive BR study! I really needed this gentle slap back into reality. You are so right. This is not going to happen. I have been slanting all his actions through my own lens, which hopes that he is interested.
I must go back to reality of the situation and see it for what it is. Brilliant insight. Yes, I know - lots of red flags with this guy! Too funny, Natalie! My answer: No. Not looking for a friend. Got plenty. Pretty damn sure none of them would show the lack of balls you just did by texting instead of calling.
Kmacyou got it! He was just bad news from the beginning. He sounds immature and definitely EU. My last ex used to compare me in a negative way to his ex, which was like convicting me for her crimes.
3 MAJOR Signs He Still Loves His Ex [RED FLAGS!]
I bailed eventually and never looked back. When we grovel at their feet to be the priority, we devalue ourselves and tell him we are okay with being second, or even third. Maybe he is having a great time, but that is all he wants right now. As soon as the great time starts to involve responsibility.
Thanks, SM and Jennynic for your support. And exactly, JennynicI felt convicted for crimes she committed! How could he possibly even know me after two dates?
No amount of sexual attraction or great sex in the world is worth devaluing ourselves with these guys! Thanks for the advice Jennynic! Yes, you are right. I like his company, but is it worth it? How did I miss the signs, even when they were blatant? Months in, I found old pornographic images and videos on his computer freshly viewed for his entertainment.
It made me sick and sent me in to a spiral. In combination with a million other red flags, it all makes sense now. Bright as day. Never again, I will never again allow me to be disrespected. When your EUM looks you in the eyes and tells you he wants nothing more than to be with you, look right back in to his and remind yourself that they are only words. I WILL love, cherish, and respect myself. With you Red Velvet, pics and messages to old girlfriends entirely disrespectful. Action, action, actions everytime.
He clearly showed me time and time again that he was not over his ex, I even looked for signs out of paranoia and jealousy Lord knows I found them.
I feel so angry at myself for still thinking about him day and night. Yeah, you will be up and down, wholly understandable after this. Feel for you. Have you checked the back catalogue of articles on here?
You need to work on why you wanted to be with someone who did that, was capable of that. It will take a bit of time, again, positive and normal. Take it in bits.
No rush. However, the guy you describe, his behaviour, his ex issues, you, the next one after you! Above all, Red Velvet, pat yourself on back, cry, scream,get angry whatever worksbut you have had lucky escape. He is serial. Big time. Be good to you. But eventually, lukewarm or downright cold kicks in. I went through a very similar experience. My ex of 3. I was devastated.
My ex was a man-child and he had major issues. The answer is NO! Six months on, the honeymoon stage with this new woman is well and truly over. The few posts that she does write are about her crying all the time, and not being an alcoholic but liking to drink. I actually feel a little bit sorry for her. So give your ex time. He will revert back to his old ways.
He has become her problem now. Be glad that you have dodged a bullet with this guy, and that you are free to meet someone worthy of you. My AC was caught up in his ex - called her, infantalised her, lashed out to me about her, but then, of course, dismissed my concerns about their attachment. It was a joke, and one I paid for. Early days, but looking good, and I am relaxed about how it all goes - that is new for me!
Thanks Natasha! Thanks again Natalie!!!!!!!!!! During this period of vetting men I had a drinks date with a man who showed me pics of his ex girlfriend on his iPhone! Now, when a man mentions photos I perk up. Photos are the doorway to his inner world I study them carefully When did you break up? I asked.
Two years ago, he said. Say wha? Ladies stop being the emotional nursemaid. Takes a lot of get over a person. I know not just think but know, that if I went on a date with someone and they produced a call phone with pics of an ex of two years agothey would be looking at an empty chair!
The mind boggles. Nice to meet you Goodbye was a great call! I think some guys do this as a way of showing off when they think their ex is attractive i. A nowadays if one of the first pics that a guy volunteers to show me is one his exflush delete.
So totally not over her. Immature and EU men do that as a test. I bow out! Flower totally agree. I have some girlfriends that just jump from one man to the next and they claim the guy is eu, which he is but so are they.
My friend was devastated. He went straight from the gf to dating a string of women, trying to get over that relationship, which when he was in it, he didnt want to be there in the first place hence the break up. He never said he wasnt over her but I could tell by all the things he did. Natalie, I just want to say I discovered this site a few weeks ago and am blown away by your ability to articulate the fears, thoughts, hopes, dreams and delusions of people. I admire the fact you have turned negative past experiences into an opportunity to show compassion for others, offer wise advice and be the voice of reason.
What a timely post. I saw a guy for 6 weeks who called regularly, was affectionate physically and verbally, opened doors, was gentle, shy and commented how happy I made him. Finally, I thought. I meet a guy with a kind heart and whose actions matched his words. I was going overseas for a month and the week before I left he started acting standoffish.
He apologised for not telling me and said he was a coward. He said it was not what he wanted but that was up to me. I solved that by changing my number so his contact or lack of would not be a problem. To be honest I saw it as a major rejection. I was so hurt and still am to some degree that I was so easy to walk away from. Thanks Natalie for being a voice of reason and stopping the awful train of thoughts going through my head. Dear confused sorry for the pain now honey make a list of things you should have done as far as vetting a man, give yourself time to heal and vet the next men very carefully.
Hi Confused, No wonder you are hurt and well. Everyone here has had something similarly disappointing, so you are among friends.
After reading your another great post, I went and googled I know, I know, bad girl!!! Well ladies, I got to see a recent convo between the two of them on one of these social media platforms:. Sorry for not being in touch! Tania I live in Northern Cali home of google yahoo craigslist twitter imac and bisexual freaks, ha. Google is your friend.
Aug 14, It depends on whether you want a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable and who will likely only use you as a band-aid because they are unable to let go on their own or if you are strong enough to handle disappointment. I was rom. Nov 03, If you're dating someone who's three to six months out of a significant relationship, Bobby has some words of caution. "Unless he explicitly says he's over his ex and is pleased to be out. "If someone constantly feels the need to defend their ex, specifically at times when their ex isn't the center of conversation it could mean that they aren't quite over them," Weena Cullins, LCMFT, a licensed clinical marriage and family therapist and relationship expert, told countryconnectionsqatar.com: Lauren Schumacker.
I soundly advise all dating women to google men. Sorry, its a new world women need the advantage. Who wants to waste time with a jerk, loser, or much, much worse when, at the tap of a button you have a wealth of information.
I once googled a guy I was interested in, who mutual friends also thought I should get together with, and found out that he was a closet gay. So yes, Flower White, googling does indeed have its uses sometimes!
Amen Sarah! I once went on a date with a guy that I swear was hung up on every single ex from the past years conservative estimate. If I dug deep, I think I could name them haha! Confession: I have been that person. Did not give myself enough time between innings and one guy I saw briefly could almost name the breakfast habits of each of my exes. Shame on me.
But, really, I just had not given myself time on my own. Not a good scene, ladies. I really think you need a good months between relationships depending on how long it went for, how it ended, what the state of the rest of your life is, and how good you are to yourself.
Oh, and the AC showed me soft lens-style pics of his ex, of her in a garden, looking wistful etc, taken years after they broke up, but only weeks before we met. We most definitely dated the same guy, Natasha.
Except I was with him for a year and a half. He always told me every detail of his relationship with his exes. Very good advice Terry and everyone else here. The only way to win in a crooked game, is not to play at all. They just jump from one ego stroke to the other, hoping someone else can fix them. They should be fixed alright, but not in the way they are thinking [snicker, snicker]. He seemed puzzled that one of them did not keep contact with him after getting married lol.
Common scenario, the EUM blows hot, gets you, feels the fear then starts to dismantle the pedestal you are on.
In the process, you if you let him are managed by this behaviour? You might step up your game to compete or distance yourself. Both the alky AC and my ex EUM seemed strangely over their exes, too soon, without a backward glance,slagging these women off into history. I think I should have taken cognisance of that.
When They're Not Over Their Ex: A Lesson In Empathy
The alky had been married before he met me, albeit she had left him many times and returned. I picked up and ran with the baton, of rehab and caring,florencing. He truly did not miss her, nor me when I went. It was as if we had never existed. The ex EUM, had had several relationships like ours, future faking, nice things, companionship, never, ever any concrete action.
It hurts to say that, but it is true today and I acknowledge the extent to which I bought into me being the exception to his rule. Lovely words, promises, no concrete behaviour. As our relationship went into demise, he was already trying to replace me on dating sites. They recovered any self esteem loss by moving on quickly to the next woman, I was one of these women because of my own emotional unavailability.
It maybe they have demons to meet down the line, because whats left at the end of this but loneliness and angst? By getting involved with these men we perpetuate their lifestyles, we provide the proof that their relationship choices and styles are possible. We sleep with, socialise amongst and affirm them and in doing so we remove the word authentic from our daily lives. At great peril to ourselves.
You know, we can go down the Narcissism route, the poor Attachment Style route, we can read self help books great help sometimesseek counsellingall good, and adds to recovery.
I mean, are we energised,curious,completed,content,revived,in awe of a relationship or are we depleted, sick at heart,confused,depressed and angry by a relationship. He may be.
2. They're always ready to defend their partner when they come up in conversation.
My next bit was simply to say he may be not over his last relationship, you may be still struggling with yours.? How are you on a daily basis? How is your relationship with self. The sparkle just drained out of me and my self-esteem and confidence tanked.
Major warning, I would say. I still feel those waves of sadness and surges of anger that Natalie refers to. Everyday I focus more on me and putting time and space between us. Three months NC.
Thanks, Lynda, for your post. He insisted he loved me, wanted to marry me, just needed time to sort a few things out if I could only be patient and understanding and put my needs on hold for a while more until the very end, when I could no longer overlook the bountiful evidence that by sticking around I was buffering his pain and making it unnecessary for him to take some responsibility for his divorce and take some real steps to heal and move on.
I fooled myself for a while there because I, like he, wanted to believe so badly that he was ready to move on. I had to tell him to stop calling me and bargaining with me, when there was zero evidence that anything was different. Perhaps he found another emotional airbag brilliant term, btw. Well said, Izzybell! As much as it hurt, he probably did me a favour by showing me this side of him now rather than a few years down the line when I was even more invested.
I recently got asked out by a guy I barely know but we have mutual friends. I politely declined but my skin was crawling.
It blows my mind that someone that caught up in an ex is asking other people out. He obviously has issues.
Years ago I did accept a date from a seemingly nice guy who turned into a basket case on our date, cried and sobbed about his ex yes, on our date! When I excuse myself from the date, he kept begging me to stay.
Oct 07, As dating and relationship coach Carla Romo tells Bustle, "People do not change quickly over time." If your partner was with their ex for a really long time, they may have developed a close Author: Kristine Fellizar. Apr 03, Laurel House, a dating coach and author of "Screwing the Rules: The No-Games Guide to Love," says singles should try to get clarity on . Disclaimer: This website contains adult material, all members and persons Dating Someone Who Isnt Over Their Ex appearing on this site have contractually represented to us that they are 18 years of age or older. If you are a minor, or do not wish to Dating Someone Who Isnt Over Their Ex view adult materials, please leave now! Access and use to this website by minors is strictly /
Seriously, WTF? Even as he is telling me how messed up he is and still wrecked over his ex, he was asking me to stay. Flush, then flushed again to make sure the turd went down. Even if it felt like it was. No one is that special that we need to make them the centre of our universe!! I often thought if the roles were reversed, I would have bailed much sooner than he did. When we met over 6 years ago I was the life of the party, independent, long distance runner with a full life.
He flat out told me that he knew the new woman wanted a relationship that led to marriage as well as other things that led me to ask after they broke up why he was with someone so incompatible. Before my breakdown, we had an amazing time together and I know he would still rather have sex with me than anyone else.
Very crazymaking. Unbeknownst to me.
Fx Are you still In contact with this Man? I was apalled when I read he told you that The New Gf says she is prettier than You What a creep,and to do knowing full well about your issues. Oh honey Go No Contact with this Clown. So You Smoke,So you have fears,So you had a breakdownYou are still a deserving person,You are worth more than this Ass I am sorry if I have offended you,not my intention. I just saw Red Brenda. I really appreciate your reply. No wonder it can be so hard to kick the ex habit.
It obviously varies from person to person, but in that timeframe after a big breakup, people are usually still on the emotional mend.
Aug 30, If someone isn't over their ex, then they might still be pretty upset about the way things ended. "They still complain about their ex and Author: Korey Lane. Sep 07, I seem to have a type, and that type is men who are still in love with their ex-girlfriends. I know I should be able to spot the signs they're not over their ex, but sometimes, it Author: Alison Segel. Jan 23, You meet someone, they ask you out. You enjoy yourself, you continue talking and spending time together. The attraction and desire for a relationship build as the dates continue. Unfortunately, in spite of chemistry, shared interests, direct and indirect references to the future, etc., it becomes apparent that they're not over their ex. Maybe they .
But to figure out whether you should stick it out or cut your losses, ask yourself the following questions. But there are also more subtle conversational clues that can hint as to how healed his heart is. That level of wistfulness or what-if thinking can stand in the way of a budding relationship, even if you two would normally be Disney-movie perfect together.
One good sign is if he can talk about his ex in a pretty objective way without assigning blamegetting worked up, or sounding regretful. He should also be showcasing genuine interest in you, making it clear that he wants to spend time with you and be sensitive to your feelings and needs, says Bobby.
Is Everything Moving Too Quickly? Was He the Dumper or the Dumpee?
I can not take part now in discussion - it is very occupied. Very soon I will necessarily express the opinion.15.12.2020|Reply